Bali

As always, Bali is stretching me right open, beyond the limits I know 🐍

I had a very raw, cathartic experience on the dancefloor last night. I'm still being forced to confront this 'fear of being seen' narrative that runs heavy through my subconscious.

On dancefloors I'm often looking around at others, I try to convince myself it's just people watching but it's not. While I am genuinely admiring the way people express, there is also this part of me that uses this information, to judge and compare how I move in an effort to keep me small.

Last night I went to an event called ShadowDance, as it started I said to myself I'm going to give everything I've got to this fkn dancefloor and immediately I had tears streaming down my face. So much fear came up, then so much sadness for how this part of me is still so deeply ingrained. Part of my life's purpose is to heal this aspect of my soul.

The music began and I did everything I'm usually scared to do, I moved around the entire dancefloor (I usually stay planted in one spot), I was rolling around on the floor, I was laughing, I was crying, I had a beautiful playful dance with a women and that healed something so fucking deep in me. I have this major wounding from the time I was 19, a 'friend' straight up told me in the middle of a club dancefloor in front of all these guys that I was bad at dancing.

Then that smirk and that laugh of rage came, you know the one...
I screamed it out into a yoga bolster that was laying around
Then my 5th house Lilith in Sagittarius fired up

Why the fuck do I have to be digestible for you?
Have you considered that maybe it is you who needs the bigger appetite?

I thought I was saying that to every fucker that has tried to dim my light, turns out I'm also saying it to that piece of me that tries to dim it too.

The music turned heavy.
I started to allow myself to move in the ugliest way I could.
I am not here for male gaze nor the female gaze.
I am not here to live as a prisoner in my own judgemental gaze.

I'm here to have fun, to enjoy my body, to allow her to express however the hell she likes and wants to & that loving intention alone will move mountains in the healing of my soul.

🤎