Week Two: What am I Doing?

“As you walk, the path appears” this is one of the quotes that I live by and I’m thinking about tattooing it on my feet to remind me of its potent message and the lessons i’m learning through having it as my mantra. When you have this quote as your mantra, you begin to realise and learn that the path is not always going to appear in the direction you anticipated. Sometimes it’s a pivot to another direction, that as you walk down this path you realise that it was not for you and maybe you need to turn back or reorient. This was my realisation of the week.

It’s been a biiig week in my internal world, while simultaneously being a pretty lowkey one in my external reality, so I will start there because it’s the easiest thread to articulate. I left this blog off last week in Bellingen, the rain continued, I stayed low in my van. On Friday I met up with a new friend, Milla, we briefly met at Earth Frequency Festival through a mutual friend, we spent the afternoon in my van speaking into our life stories and freaking out over just how good EFT Tapping is! She’s just completed her certification. Freaking out over a shared passion is my favourite thing. I can’t wait to do some practice sessions together.

The sun came out so I headed straight to the beach to a place called Sawtell, just south of Coffs Harbour. I love when you can park up and overlook the ocean (which actually is not as common here on the East Coast). I found the perfect parking spot up on the headland with a clear view to watch the surfers and a pod of about 50 dolphins play for hours in the waves, it was SO cute. I found a little nook and became one with the rocks. Such a beautiful spot honestly, I’ve come and gone from here all week. I’m a creature of habit when I find somewhere that I like.

I don’t know what day it started but I was sitting up overlooking the ocean and the thought started crossing my mind “okay what the fuck am I actually doing?” I tried to arrange my thoughts the best way I could but it all just started getting confusing… What is this trip? Where am I going? What am I doing? What is the purpose of this all? Why am I going South? Should I be going North?

I called my mum and tried to organise my thoughts through logically listing it out with her. My original direction for many years has been North, to explore Queensland but I decided on South at this time due to the weather and it heading into the heat/wet season up there. But it’s hot here too… just more dry. I don’t have a huge desire to explore New South Wales and Victoria if I’m honest. My soul calling is more to the top end of Australia - Far North Queensland, Northern Territory, Northern Western Australia. So why exactly am I heading South? The only “plan” I have is wanting to be at Uluru for my birthday in April but it’s actually the same distance from where I am now to Uluru as it is from say Mackay or Townsville. So South isn’t making too much sense in my head or in my heart anymore.

In true classic freak out form I started thinking what if I don’t want to be anywhere? What exactly am I seeking? Somewhere the ‘feels’ like home? Somewhere I find my people? Somewhere I deeply feel connected to the land? All of the above I guess, but does that place exist for me? I really do not know. I’ve travelled the world and not found that place - maybe South Island, New Zealand had the most resemblance of home for me and I guess also the Northern Rivers. Am I going to travel this country and end up back where I started? Who knows. I have no answers, only questions. I am trying to listen for said answers. My bodywork business does REALLY flow in the Northern Rivers so maybe I will end up there. It is beautiful, I just haven’t really found my place there yet with the community, but then again I’m always half in half out.

A new concept started coming into my awareness - this level of freedom is foreign to me, to my blood, to my bones. Has any woman in my lineage ever had this level of freedom? Has any women in society had this level of freedom before? Probably not, is that why don’t know how to hold it or what to do with it? It’s quite a confronting problem to have - TOO much freedom. As someone who has wanted this level of freedom for their whole life, in this moment am I learning that freedom is only valuable with some level of containment or responsibility entangled within it? Such big questions to be facing, what the fuck does this mean for my trip?

Is it TOO much freedom or a LACK of purpose? To be honest, I think its a combination of the two. Would any of this be a problem if I had a sexy man with me to occupy my time or even a friend to share some of the experience with? I love how my brain can just zoom out from my core issue and tries to unpack the multidimensional web of reasons why. I am very much wired to seek why, so I’d say these are all contributing factors. I think this is all part of travelling, you feel like this backpacking overseas until you meet a crew then it all clicks into place. Unrestricted van life is a new concept to me. It’s hard to meet people in living in a van, well hard for me so I think that is a huge factor. I’ve put myself back on hinge - the dating app so let’s see what comes from that even if it just is some mates.

Anyway, out of my head and back into reality. I headed up to Dorrigo National Park to touch grass and hug trees, hoping this would bring some clarity. I also need to acknowledge I can feel and pick up on the general undertone of the collective energy in an area and I had been hanging out and sleeping in suburbia for days so potentially a lot of this confusion was not even mine to begin with. Time in the forrest, out of phone signal and away from people will surely bring some clarity and it did. It allowed me to zoom in on the magnificent details of life, the bugs, the bark, the birds. I realise that nature lives in perpetual freedom and I am nature, so yes I am more than capable of holding it. I got my rug out and did some pilates - I am proud to say I am back into my routine and it feels good. I love pilates, I’m in the mindset and momentum that if it’s sunny the mat is coming out. And lucky I did because more rain came and the temperature dropped which was a relief but also quite eerie when the whole of Dorrigo town was filled with fog in the late afternoon… I found my jumper which has been pushed deep into my van and got cozy. Maybe I won’t mind the heat up North… I really don’t like being cold that’s one thing I do know.

I escaped the fog and went back to my perch by the coast. Still racking my brain about what plans I am going to make, I got a text from my housesit saying their plans have changed and one of the families on this block will be back on the 23rd instead of no one being here until the 28th. Ahhh okay, I’m being taught to surrender here and that any sense of ‘certainty’ is just an illusion. So ride it out babe! They said I could still stay until the 28th but I won’t be here alone - which could be a good or bad thing, I’ll decide later once I get there and get a feel for the place.

Wednesday morning I woke up and realised I need to get back into one of my hobbies, something to fill my time… something to connect to other people with - I want to get back into my double staff, recently one of the lights stopped charging and I’m pretty keen to get into playing with fire so I drove up to the Gold Coast to Threeworlds. I bought some palm candles and some fire double staff. I came back down through Lennox Head for the night to see my aunty, to pick up somethings that I had posted there and I did my washing. It was nice to catch up with some family and reset. I came back down through Yamba for the day before heading back to my perch - I told you I’m a creature of habit haha. “Okay I’m just going to ground, not thinking about my direction and just see what happens” I thought to myself. Due to being an Aries dominate woman I have this thing where I think things are moving too slowly, when really they are moving right on time - it’s me who needs to slow down, to breathe, to let it unfold. It’s only been 2 weeks babe, take a chill pill. It was interesting to head North (even just to the Gold Coast which is just over the border in Queensland), it did feel good. It was also interesting to notice that I didn’t feel like I should be staying in the Northern Rivers on my way through- all great clues to the puzzle I’m currently working on.

So with all that said, I have no real answers yet & I don’t need them. I will just allow, let life show me where I’m supposed to be. Yesterday morning I arrived at my housesit and got settled in, it’s beautiful here and it’s exactly what I need for right now. I’ve got a crew of company. More on that next week x